My first east coast ramble…

We have been here for just over four months. It has not been easy.

I just about drove my husband crazy with my complaining. After all…this was not anywhere in my plans.

In fact…I probably drove my two awesome friends nearly crazy with my woes and crying about the move east. 

Seriously…I cried a lot. I was determined to just hate it here. At least it seemed like it.

No blogs have been posted since last September! I guess I was keeping everything in or sharing with my journal. Bummer. But I did have a nice moment of writing a few weeks ago while on my lunch break. That was cool. It’s on my Facebook page which is private. Maybe I can pull it over here.

I have good days and some not so good. The good days seem to be more frequent than the bad now. For that I am thankful.

I am thankful for a God who is patient with me even when I am consumed with my own little universe. I am thankful for friends who love me and pray for me. I am thankful that the Holy Spirit is reminding me about God’s timing. I am thankful for a husband who forgives me for acting so selfish.

Most recently I am thankful for the opportunity of a full time and well paying job. It has been five years since I left Verizon. In those years I have worked a handful of part time jobs to make ends meet. Thankful indeed.

k

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It’s dark here…

When we moved here I had high hopes for our family. I thought for sure we would have been in our own house by now. But no. 14 months here and nothing.

To say I’ve been feeling sad would be an understatement. I know God is with me. He always is. But lately it’s as if the enemy is right there too…doing his best to make me feel like crap. 

Many thoughts go through my head every day. I try to think of ways we can stay here and not have to move to the east coast. But the rest of the family seems to think it is such a great idea.

There’s that selfishness in my heart showing up.

As a Christian, what am I supposed to be doing? I should be praising Him…thanking Him for the things that we DO have not bitching and moaning about what I don’t have. 

My friends have been so encouraging and I am so grateful! I just need to get right with our awesome God once again. I need to find that desire to serve Him and lose myself to Him again. Being here has really pushed me back into some serious darkness. I feel like that hiding little girl again. My artist friend will likely know what I am talking about. 

My prayer…

Heavenly Father, I thank you for being with me always. Thank you for making me Yours. I am sorry that I have drifted from you. Please help me to get back to where I know you would have me. 

Thank you for friends who are so encouraging and loving. I know You speak through them to me on so many occasions. 

I pray that the Holy Spirit will work in me to control my tongue and help my thoughts be pure and without such negativity. Help me Lord to desire to do Your work no matter where I am. You did tell us to go out into all the world. So may I follow Your lead no matter where my feet may land. Thank you Lord for being the continuous light in this land of darkness. Amen.

k

selfishness…or is it?

Right now I feel like I need the faith of Abraham.
God told Abraham to go out to the woods and sacrifice his son, Isaac, to Him. He did as he was told and at the last minute God provided a lamb for Abraham to use as the sacrifice.

My situation, or my family’s situation I should say, is not quite as drastic as Abraham’s but I feel a little bit like this.

You see…My husband, our two daughters and I moved to our current location just over a year ago. We are sharing a house with my husband’s sister and brother-in-law. Our original plan was for my hubby to get his disability, which he did, for me to find a full time job, which I have not, and then get our own house, which we have not. So…in the meantime my in-laws have decided they want to move across country to be with his family. Okay. Fine. But what about us? “Come with us” they say.

Whoa. Wait a minute! That was not part of the plan! This is not what IIIIIIIIII wanted! Come on! Seriously? This SoCal girl does not belong in the north eastern United States. Way too much snow. No way.

Yes way. Apparently I am the only member of the family that does not see this as a positive thing. Wow.

To say that the last couple of months have been stressful would be an understatement. But I just keep having this feeling like if I just keep my faith in God, where is obviously should be, that He will provide at the last minute like He did for Abraham. I need to stop acting so selfish and defiant.

I mean if you look at it in a more positive light there are so many opportunities to do and see things that we have never been able to do. So much history…so much beauty…and we’ll potentially be right there in the middle of it all!

So…am I being selfish in my desire to stay where we are or possibly move back home? Or could it be that God is trying to teach me a lesson in faith?

Probably a bit of both 😉

k

Easter and everything else…

Everything is all wrong I feel like I am just doing it all wrong. Nothing feels the same this year. We’re in a new city. Still no church to call home. Not a single feeling of Easter going on in this house.

That makes me sad. But my daughter wants ham. Well…having ham does not make it a celebration of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ. Ham is ham. And no amount of culinary tradition can truly honor Him the way we should.

And where is our son? That is a whole different situation. I’ve never dealt with something like this. A missing person. My brain didn’t seem to want to wrap around the thought. But as I was calling hospitals in the city where we believe him to be…my heart began feeling heavier and heavier. As a mother…not knowing where your child is may be one of the worst feelings in the universe.

Lord, please help!

Help is needed in other areas too. I’m doing it wrong. My whole walk with Christ. Has it been untrue…insincere…fake all this time? But I was just following what I thought was right. Worship style. Preaching style. Too much music. Not enough music. Serving a version of God and Jesus that we have made up to make ourselves feel good. Am I truly following and doing the will of the One true God?

“I need a ‘do-over.'” I told my friends. Like I just need to start again with Jesus.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So I started this post 2 days ago…I’m back now.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It’s Easter morning and not a thing going on.
No church.
No nice brunch.
Still no word about our son.
More “stuff” at former church.
And junk…

I just feel…

Honestly I don’t know how I feel.

But like I have learned…don’t rely on my feelings. That is not reality. You know? Rely on God.

While we may not be doing all that “Eastery” stuff…God is still God. Jesus STILL rose from the grave and became the King of Kings! Those are the awesome and comforting things I know!

k

God and GPS…



Recently I had to run a couple of errands after work. Not a big deal, right? It can be when you are new to a big city and don’t know your way around very well.

I rely on GPS when I have to travel to a part of town that I haven’t become familiar with. Thank you, Google Maps.

Well…on this particular day I felt as though the GPS was leading me in a very peculiar way…as if there MUST be an easier way to get to this store! I was getting frustrated. Once I arrived at my destination I realized something. This was NOT the location I had visited previously. Oh brother. Well, at least I can do what I need to at this location.

One assignment down. One to go. Turn the GPS back on. Off I go.

O.M.G. The traffic!! Really? I was longing for my small town “traffic.” It was so much easier to just pop over to the store or whatever!

Okay. Deep breath. Turn on the radio. Song comes on… **see video above**


“I’ve tried to win this war I confess
My hands are weary I need Your rest
Mighty Warrior, King of the fight
No matter what I face, You’re by my side”


Music has a way of calming my nerves. And believe me…the traffic was annoying me so much. I just wanted to get home to my family and relax for the evening.

As I’m listening to the song and singing along…yes singing. I was alone in the car and at that point didn’t care if other drivers noticed! But I digress…

Suddenly I had an epiphany! GOD! He’s just like this crazy GPS that is leading me all over this unfamiliar city…well…you know what I mean. 🙂

“I’ve tried to win this war I confess.” – – This is me. All. of. the. time. How am I going to handle this situation? Pure selfishness. Relying on myself and not God.

“My hands are weary I need Your rest.” – – Yep. I’m tired of trying all by myself. I need to lean on Him. I could insert another song here…but I won’t. For now.

“No matter what I face, You’re by my side.” – – Not only is God by my side…He is leading me. Like the GPS!

Most of the time our navigation systems get us to where we are going easily. Easy peasy. Right?

Sometimes they take us down a path we never would have chosen ourselves. It seems confusing but for whatever reason, it gets us to our destination.

God is that way.

A good part of the time God is leading me down a road that is relatively smooth. If I’m lucky…it’s a smooth sailing on a slightly breezy day in SoCal.

Then there are the times when it’s more like the perfect storm and I don’t know which way to turn.

God doesn’t always do things the way we want Him to. But He does get things done.

In His time.

We need only to trust in Him.

He knows the way.

He’s been there before.

k

what is “normal” really?

So maybe it was just a moment of feeling sorry for myself. Maybe I just wanted to complain…even if just to myself. It was all in my head after all.

I want things to be “normal” again…or for once…or just want to feel like it.

I want a stereo in the living room because I love listening to music and I haven’t had one in the living room for so many years. I want my own living room…in a house I will share with my husband and two youngest kids. I want the privacy that comes with that house. I want to work a normal job so that I can make dinner each night. (Well…almost every night) I don’t want to be in physical pain when I come home from work. I want my husband to be free from the physical pain that he has been dealing with for so long…emotional pain too. I want a job where the management wannabes aren’t treating the employees like sled dogs at the Iditarod. It’s ridiculous. I want this. I want that. I want…I want…I want.

Really? Get over yourself girl!

Nowhere does it say that the world revolves around me and what “I want.” In fact…Life is not about any of us. No matter how much it hurts to admit that…it’s true.

It’s about what God wants.

What I think is “normal”…such as having a perfectly healthy family…a $45k/yr. job, and a nicely furnished house is all in my head. The reality is this – Normal is all relative. Right now my normal is nothing like I “want.” My normal is what God has given me to deal with.

And to be absolutely honest…I’m struggling. A lot.

I need to get back to church. I need to connect with other believers. I need to get involved so that I can be reminded of what it means to be a servant of the Most High God. I miss it. God gave me gifts and talents. I need to put them to use to glorify Him.

Normal…I guess it’s normal for us believers to struggle sometimes. I get that. Now it’s time for me to get back to normal…Normal being a regular church goer and servant of God.

If that’s what “normal” is.

k

 

waiting…

I won’t cry.
The answers are not clear.

Fear is there.
Some things are unavoidable.

My wildest dreams could never have included this again.
Again, what is “this?”

It’s a crazy time.
I feel so far away.

But that is my fault.
Not His.

As I do every day,
I need Him now.

I need Him to hold me up.
The strength only He can provide is my hope.

So I sit here.
Waiting…

k