it’s just odd…

Today is Thanksgiving day.


My family, and by family I mean my husband and two daughters, and I have been on the East Coast for 358 days. Nearly a year has passed since we rolled up on to this piece of land we currently call home. Things have gotten better, some things not as much as others, but progress has been made.

But I digress.

Thanksgiving was always a big family tradition for me and my family. I remember the years spent at my grandparents house in Northern California. There was no shortage of friends and family coming together to share the day, a meal, and memories. There was love. There was a feeling of togetherness.

Not today. Not really.

I love cooking for others. It’s just relaxing, even amid the holiday chaos. But today I am unable to do that. Yes, I am doing a little cooking, but not what I would love to cook because it wouldn’t get eaten. So I guess I am just looking forward to the day I can make a delicious and exciting meal for everyone to enjoy.

Our dinner attendees include my afore-mentioned family, my husband’s sister and her husband (with whom we live) and his 2 teenagers, and possibly one out of 6 other of his siblings who all live in the same town. In my family oriented mind I am wondering, “Why didn’t we plan to have a big Thanksgiving dinner all together?” After all, we have the space.

Please don’t misunderstand what I am writing about today. I am absolutely thankful for what we have. I am merely making an observation, comparing and contrasting, if you will.

In fact, as I write this here today, I can hear my 15 year old daughter and her 15 year old male “step-cousin” playing a game in the living room. I love the noises and the laughter that come with family holiday get-togethers. I miss that.

My feeling is that it’s just odd.

That’s all.

k

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still…

This. Right now.



My mind has been a broken record.


In case you don’t know what a record is, it’s vinyl. A 33. If there was a scratch, the needle would just keep skipping as the record spun round and round, repeating the same part of the song over and over.


As I think about it, Satan is that scratch…the reason things just keep going round and round in my head seeming like it may never stop.

My 15 year old daughter is so observant. She has been since birth. She sees things in people…remembers them. She reminded me of that yesterday when she finally had a discussion with me and basically told me that all of the complaining about our situation just brings her down. For that, I am deeply sorry.

I’m sorry that my selfishness has caused her, or anyone else for that matter, even a small amount of pain.

I’m sorry that I haven’t actually opened my eyes to the fact that this place is in fact a beautiful place…a place that we could be enjoying while we are here, even if for a relatively short amount of time.

Yes. I want to go back “home” to the west side of the United States. But do I need to be such a butthead while we are here? No.

It’s been 10 1/2 months that we have been on the east coast and it has been a rare moment that I have actually enjoyed myself. Granted, I’m not nearly as negative today as I was for the first few months we were here. I was beginning to drive my husband crazy too.

My focus has been on me and what I want and how quickly I want it.
That is not very Christ-like. Not at all.

Looking back to the months before our move out here, I remember having such an overwhelming feeling of peace. I seemed to know that no matter what happened, it was going to be ok. That has been my phrase to others. “It’s going to be ok.” I wanted people to trust Him. I was filled with the knowledge that I can trust God in any situation. Then somehow that feeling was quickly and drastically taken. I was in panic mode up until the day we drove away from our house in the west. I was a trembling mess when we pulled into what would be our new home on the east coast that night on December 1, 2016. I will never forget. I cried every day for a while. Then I seemed to transform into a bitter and selfish person that only wanted what I wanted.

Without realizing it, I was questioning God. Why did we have to come here? Why didn’t we just wait? Why didn’t I find a full-time job where we were? Why? Why? Why?

I’m sure I could elaborate, but I won’t. Not today. What I will say is this-
Over the last couple of months, I have noticed small changes in my attitude. While I’m not at the point of full surrender again, but I hope to be, I have eased up. I thank God, first and foremost. I also thank some friends who I know are praying for me. I thank my husband for being patient with me. And I pray to God that my negativity hasn’t and won’t affect his outlook on our situation.

Today I have been employed full time for almost seven months. Praise God for that! And get this- -> The company I work for has offices all around the country…even the two states we are looking to move back to. My options are open.


My oldest daughter started college and is doing very well. My youngest daughter is a sophomore and doing much better than the past couple of school years. My husband is doing well with his health issues.

The prayer of my heart today is that I will indeed “be still” as the song in the video suggests. The lyrics to this song could not describe this situation any better. I was afraid because I could not (and still can’t) see where this road is going. And I do need to let go and let Him work for our family. He is making a way for us. He is most certainly answering prayers before we pray them.

Psalms 46:10 – He says, “Be still and know that I am God.”
Amen.

k

It’s dark here…

When we moved here I had high hopes for our family. I thought for sure we would have been in our own house by now. But no. 14 months here and nothing.

To say I’ve been feeling sad would be an understatement. I know God is with me. He always is. But lately it’s as if the enemy is right there too…doing his best to make me feel like crap. 

Many thoughts go through my head every day. I try to think of ways we can stay here and not have to move to the east coast. But the rest of the family seems to think it is such a great idea.

There’s that selfishness in my heart showing up.

As a Christian, what am I supposed to be doing? I should be praising Him…thanking Him for the things that we DO have not bitching and moaning about what I don’t have. 

My friends have been so encouraging and I am so grateful! I just need to get right with our awesome God once again. I need to find that desire to serve Him and lose myself to Him again. Being here has really pushed me back into some serious darkness. I feel like that hiding little girl again. My artist friend will likely know what I am talking about. 

My prayer…

Heavenly Father, I thank you for being with me always. Thank you for making me Yours. I am sorry that I have drifted from you. Please help me to get back to where I know you would have me. 

Thank you for friends who are so encouraging and loving. I know You speak through them to me on so many occasions. 

I pray that the Holy Spirit will work in me to control my tongue and help my thoughts be pure and without such negativity. Help me Lord to desire to do Your work no matter where I am. You did tell us to go out into all the world. So may I follow Your lead no matter where my feet may land. Thank you Lord for being the continuous light in this land of darkness. Amen.

k

selfishness…or is it?

Right now I feel like I need the faith of Abraham.
God told Abraham to go out to the woods and sacrifice his son, Isaac, to Him. He did as he was told and at the last minute God provided a lamb for Abraham to use as the sacrifice.

My situation, or my family’s situation I should say, is not quite as drastic as Abraham’s but I feel a little bit like this.

You see…My husband, our two daughters and I moved to our current location just over a year ago. We are sharing a house with my husband’s sister and brother-in-law. Our original plan was for my hubby to get his disability, which he did, for me to find a full time job, which I have not, and then get our own house, which we have not. So…in the meantime my in-laws have decided they want to move across country to be with his family. Okay. Fine. But what about us? “Come with us” they say.

Whoa. Wait a minute! That was not part of the plan! This is not what IIIIIIIIII wanted! Come on! Seriously? This SoCal girl does not belong in the north eastern United States. Way too much snow. No way.

Yes way. Apparently I am the only member of the family that does not see this as a positive thing. Wow.

To say that the last couple of months have been stressful would be an understatement. But I just keep having this feeling like if I just keep my faith in God, where is obviously should be, that He will provide at the last minute like He did for Abraham. I need to stop acting so selfish and defiant.

I mean if you look at it in a more positive light there are so many opportunities to do and see things that we have never been able to do. So much history…so much beauty…and we’ll potentially be right there in the middle of it all!

So…am I being selfish in my desire to stay where we are or possibly move back home? Or could it be that God is trying to teach me a lesson in faith?

Probably a bit of both 😉

k

waiting…

I won’t cry.
The answers are not clear.

Fear is there.
Some things are unavoidable.

My wildest dreams could never have included this again.
Again, what is “this?”

It’s a crazy time.
I feel so far away.

But that is my fault.
Not His.

As I do every day,
I need Him now.

I need Him to hold me up.
The strength only He can provide is my hope.

So I sit here.
Waiting…

k

Blogging 101…Intro

I’m Kim. I’ve been blogging off and on for quite a while. I’ve had trouble keeping it going on a regular basis. Hopefully with the Blogging 101 I’ll get better at writing on a regular basis.

My writing tends to be about things that are happening in my life. You know…family, church, stress, being a wife and mother. I share it publicly because my hope is that someone will be able to relate to what I’m writing about. So others won’t feel as if they are alone in their situation, if it’s similar to mine.

Another topic I’ve considered is cooking. My husband and I love to cook together. In fact, I think it would be so cool to have our own little restaurant…or even a food truck. Hard work but lots of fun!

We’ll see where this takes me!

k