My family, and by family I mean my husband and two daughters, and I have been on the East Coast for 358 days. Nearly a year has passed since we rolled up on to this piece of land we currently call home. Things have gotten better, some things not as much as others, but progress has been made.
But I digress.
Thanksgiving was always a big family tradition for me and my family. I remember the years spent at my grandparents house in Northern California. There was no shortage of friends and family coming together to share the day, a meal, and memories. There was love. There was a feeling of togetherness.
Not today. Not really.
I love cooking for others. It’s just relaxing, even amid the holiday chaos. But today I am unable to do that. Yes, I am doing a little cooking, but not what I would love to cook because it wouldn’t get eaten. So I guess I am just looking forward to the day I can make a delicious and exciting meal for everyone to enjoy.
Our dinner attendees include my afore-mentioned family, my husband’s sister and her husband (with whom we live) and his 2 teenagers, and possibly one out of 6 other of his siblings who all live in the same town. In my family oriented mind I am wondering, “Why didn’t we plan to have a big Thanksgiving dinner all together?” After all, we have the space.
Please don’t misunderstand what I am writing about today. I am absolutely thankful for what we have. I am merely making an observation, comparing and contrasting, if you will.
In fact, as I write this here today, I can hear my 15 year old daughter and her 15 year old male “step-cousin” playing a game in the living room. I love the noises and the laughter that come with family holiday get-togethers. I miss that.
In case you don’t know what a record is, it’s vinyl. A 33. If there was a scratch, the needle would just keep skipping as the record spun round and round, repeating the same part of the song over and over.
As I think about it, Satan is that scratch…the reason things just keep going round and round in my head seeming like it may never stop.
My 15 year old daughter is so observant. She has been since birth. She sees things in people…remembers them. She reminded me of that yesterday when she finally had a discussion with me and basically told me that all of the complaining about our situation just brings her down. For that, I am deeply sorry.
I’m sorry that my selfishness has caused her, or anyone else for that matter, even a small amount of pain.
I’m sorry that I haven’t actually opened my eyes to the fact that this place is in fact a beautiful place…a place that we could be enjoying while we are here, even if for a relatively short amount of time.
Yes. I want to go back “home” to the west side of the United States. But do I need to be such a butthead while we are here? No.
It’s been 10 1/2 months that we have been on the east coast and it has been a rare moment that I have actually enjoyed myself. Granted, I’m not nearly as negative today as I was for the first few months we were here. I was beginning to drive my husband crazy too.
My focus has been on me and what I want and how quickly I want it.
That is not very Christ-like. Not at all.
Looking back to the months before our move out here, I remember having such an overwhelming feeling of peace. I seemed to know that no matter what happened, it was going to be ok. That has been my phrase to others. “It’s going to be ok.” I wanted people to trust Him. I was filled with the knowledge that I can trust God in any situation. Then somehow that feeling was quickly and drastically taken. I was in panic mode up until the day we drove away from our house in the west. I was a trembling mess when we pulled into what would be our new home on the east coast that night on December 1, 2016. I will never forget. I cried every day for a while. Then I seemed to transform into a bitter and selfish person that only wanted what I wanted.
Without realizing it, I was questioning God. Why did we have to come here? Why didn’t we just wait? Why didn’t I find a full-time job where we were? Why? Why? Why?
I’m sure I could elaborate, but I won’t. Not today. What I will say is this-
Over the last couple of months, I have noticed small changes in my attitude. While I’m not at the point of full surrender again, but I hope to be, I have eased up. I thank God, first and foremost. I also thank some friends who I know are praying for me. I thank my husband for being patient with me. And I pray to God that my negativity hasn’t and won’t affect his outlook on our situation.
Today I have been employed full time for almost seven months. Praise God for that! And get this- -> The company I work for has offices all around the country…even the two states we are looking to move back to. My options are open.
My oldest daughter started college and is doing very well. My youngest daughter is a sophomore and doing much better than the past couple of school years. My husband is doing well with his health issues.
The prayer of my heart today is that I will indeed “be still” as the song in the video suggests. The lyrics to this song could not describe this situation any better. I was afraid because I could not (and still can’t) see where this road is going. And I do need to let go and let Him work for our family. He is making a way for us. He is most certainly answering prayers before we pray them.
Psalms 46:10 – He says, “Be still and know that I am God.”
Right now I feel like I need the faith of Abraham.
God told Abraham to go out to the woods and sacrifice his son, Isaac, to Him. He did as he was told and at the last minute God provided a lamb for Abraham to use as the sacrifice.
My situation, or my family’s situation I should say, is not quite as drastic as Abraham’s but I feel a little bit like this.
You see…My husband, our two daughters and I moved to our current location just over a year ago. We are sharing a house with my husband’s sister and brother-in-law. Our original plan was for my hubby to get his disability, which he did, for me to find a full time job, which I have not, and then get our own house, which we have not. So…in the meantime my in-laws have decided they want to move across country to be with his family. Okay. Fine. But what about us? “Come with us” they say.
Whoa. Wait a minute! That was not part of the plan! This is not what IIIIIIIIII wanted! Come on! Seriously? This SoCal girl does not belong in the north eastern United States. Way too much snow. No way.
Yes way. Apparently I am the only member of the family that does not see this as a positive thing. Wow.
To say that the last couple of months have been stressful would be an understatement. But I just keep having this feeling like if I just keep my faith in God, where is obviously should be, that He will provide at the last minute like He did for Abraham. I need to stop acting so selfish and defiant.
I mean if you look at it in a more positive light there are so many opportunities to do and see things that we have never been able to do. So much history…so much beauty…and we’ll potentially be right there in the middle of it all!
So…am I being selfish in my desire to stay where we are or possibly move back home? Or could it be that God is trying to teach me a lesson in faith?
My hubby has been sick and is in the hospital so I let them fall away. But, I’ve got some free time tonight so I’m going to try to do a little catching up! And btw…he’s doing much better now. 🙂
I changed my title and tagline from “rambling child of God : Expressions of a child of God” to “ramble on child of God : because sometimes I just have to let it go.”
It’s a work in progress I think. I’m not sure about the “let it go” part of the tagline. I used to like that phrase until the movie “Frozen” was released. Now I can’t say it without thinking of the song. Ugh!
But truly, I do have to let it go sometimes and this is where I come to do so in writing…as most of us doing these assignments do as well.
And because I brought it up…here’s the song that ruined one of my favorite phrases…especially when it came to my kids…Let it Go…
I’m Kim. I’ve been blogging off and on for quite a while. I’ve had trouble keeping it going on a regular basis. Hopefully with the Blogging 101 I’ll get better at writing on a regular basis.
My writing tends to be about things that are happening in my life. You know…family, church, stress, being a wife and mother. I share it publicly because my hope is that someone will be able to relate to what I’m writing about. So others won’t feel as if they are alone in their situation, if it’s similar to mine.
Another topic I’ve considered is cooking. My husband and I love to cook together. In fact, I think it would be so cool to have our own little restaurant…or even a food truck. Hard work but lots of fun!
The beach is alright
If the tide’s not high
And I can take time to write
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
I don’t hate the beach entirely. There is much beauty to be seen. The waves are a majestic example of God’s power. The seashore is absolutely His handiwork. I can sit and be in awe of this wonder for hours.
What I don’t enjoy is the sand in my face and the stickyness I feel whenter sitting on a blanket in the sand or after emerging from the salty water. I do enjoy watching the kids have fun…That’s why I am here after all.
There is joy in seeing others have fun. There is joy in casual conversation with a friend.
The sun seems to have finally won the battle with the fog…at least temporarily. Young ones play together in the sand building – or trying to build – a sand castle before the tide rolls in and devours it.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Oh! The tide just won! Start over. 🙂
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Lifeguards stand at alert
The sound of children laughing
Waves crashing down
Dads finding shells
Rebuilding castles in the sand
Yep…that is how I would describe some of the ideas I have had in the past and not so distant past too. I’m a dreamer. But my heart’s of gold. Oops…starting singing 🙂 Truly, I am a dreamer. I get ideas and tend to run with them without looking back or getting opinions from those I love and trust…especially God. Good intentions I say. But we all know how that goes.
I sit right smack dab in the middle of one of those grandiose dreams and schemes right now. Boy it was a good one too. I want to do this. I want to do that. I know there is a need. Those things that I see and want to do may very well be true. But that doesn’t mean that is where God wants me.
A few days ago I apologized to my husband for being so over the top with my ideas. I think I nearly gave him an anxiety attack!
Two and a half months ago I “retired” from a job I had worked at for 21 years. I was ready to pack up the house and move my family almost 500 miles away. I had dreams. I had plans. I was needed. Or so I thought. Well, God needs me, but I had not determined where He needed or wanted me at that point.
God started speaking.
Over the course of the several weeks God has been putting my husband and I in places the He felt we should be. With both of us currently unemployed, we wanted to do something during the day. No one wants to just sit at home a be a bump on a log. Our church had a need. We stepped in to help in the church kitchen. All the while I had the feeling that God was preparing us for something else. What that was/is, we still don’t know for sure, but there is a possibility of something really cool happening in our lives. A possible new adventure right in our own backyard.
God also began working spiritually in our lives…especially my husband’s life. He felt it, I saw it, and men in the church began reaching out to him. It is amazing! The Holy Spirit is at work for sure. And to be entirely honest, I don’t want to mess up anything that God has started. Not only is the Spirit at work in him, but in me as well. I don’t think I have ever felt so close to God in my 14 years of being a Christian.
In my life I have felt more friendships growing…not just me and other women, but our family and another. It is just truly amazing how God weaves lives together for His purpose. What that is remains to be seen…and I can’t wait!
What have I learned and what am I learning? To trust God. Ask God for guidance. Do not just jump at the first “great idea” that pops into your head…it could be the wrong one.
This is a lesson I know I will have to work on probably for my whole life. I’m a dreamer. And sometimes those crazy dreams are rather grandiose.