rambling child of God…

March 24, 2019

weekend homebody…

Last week was rather stressful at work. By Friday I was so exhausted. There is just so much on my mind about work these days, but that is a story for a different day.

So Friday night after getting home and getting dinner together, etc… I just sat on the couch and watched tv. Some Food Network and then into the rest of Mr. Robot, season one. (It’s a show I just learned about  maybe 3 months ago and it’s REALLY good!)

Saturday morning I knew what I wanted to do this weekend. I wanted to get some stuff DONE. Totally clean the kitchen and living room…rearrange the downstairs bedroom (which will be done as soon as I post this blog), go shopping, cook some food for my husband to have during the week, you know, the homebody kind of stuff. As crazy as it sounds, that is a way to relax for me. It gets my mind off of work and gets me focused on something productive.

So, it’s early afternoon on Sunday as I type this entry out. I have a new class starting tomorrow, my 17 year old is already making plans with her friends to move to a different state sometime after graduation, my husband has been home for 5 days after having been in the hospital for 8 1/2 days, my older daughter is booking a trip far away this summer and she will be traveling alone, we are adapting to my husband’s new required diet restrictions (pretty much no salt and lower potassium intake), there is still work stuff, and we are still considering a move back west at some point after previously mentioned 17 year old graduates. Do I have a lot on my mind? Yeah. And this is not a comprehensive list of stressors in my life. LOL

I am glad that I actually had a few moments to sit and write. It has been a very long time. So much I could write about regarding that time, but I won’t. At least not now. Not sure how I would put it all into words. Not sure I really can at this point. Just glad things are improved now.

The downstairs bedroom is calling my name. It needs some organization. Then, my youngest will be making homemade marinara (low sodium for her father) and chicken parm for dinner. Yum! I love that she loves to cook. My oldest girl hates to cook. I think another couple episodes of Mr. Robot are on the agenda for later. I want to get through the first three seasons before season 4, and final, season starts! And my dear hubby needs some TLC. For some reason his arthritis has been raging for the last couple days. Of course, it could be a side affect of the Humira he takes. We’re not sure. Anyway…

Until later…

k

 

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November 23, 2017

it’s just odd…

Today is Thanksgiving day.


My family, and by family I mean my husband and two daughters, and I have been on the East Coast for 358 days. Nearly a year has passed since we rolled up on to this piece of land we currently call home. Things have gotten better, some things not as much as others, but progress has been made.

But I digress.

Thanksgiving was always a big family tradition for me and my family. I remember the years spent at my grandparents house in Northern California. There was no shortage of friends and family coming together to share the day, a meal, and memories. There was love. There was a feeling of togetherness.

Not today. Not really.

I love cooking for others. It’s just relaxing, even amid the holiday chaos. But today I am unable to do that. Yes, I am doing a little cooking, but not what I would love to cook because it wouldn’t get eaten. So I guess I am just looking forward to the day I can make a delicious and exciting meal for everyone to enjoy.

Our dinner attendees include my afore-mentioned family, my husband’s sister and her husband (with whom we live) and his 2 teenagers, and possibly one out of 6 other of his siblings who all live in the same town. In my family oriented mind I am wondering, “Why didn’t we plan to have a big Thanksgiving dinner all together?” After all, we have the space.

Please don’t misunderstand what I am writing about today. I am absolutely thankful for what we have. I am merely making an observation, comparing and contrasting, if you will.

In fact, as I write this here today, I can hear my 15 year old daughter and her 15 year old male “step-cousin” playing a game in the living room. I love the noises and the laughter that come with family holiday get-togethers. I miss that.

My feeling is that it’s just odd.

That’s all.

k

October 17, 2017

still…

This. Right now.



My mind has been a broken record.


In case you don’t know what a record is, it’s vinyl. A 33. If there was a scratch, the needle would just keep skipping as the record spun round and round, repeating the same part of the song over and over.


As I think about it, Satan is that scratch…the reason things just keep going round and round in my head seeming like it may never stop.

My 15 year old daughter is so observant. She has been since birth. She sees things in people…remembers them. She reminded me of that yesterday when she finally had a discussion with me and basically told me that all of the complaining about our situation just brings her down. For that, I am deeply sorry.

I’m sorry that my selfishness has caused her, or anyone else for that matter, even a small amount of pain.

I’m sorry that I haven’t actually opened my eyes to the fact that this place is in fact a beautiful place…a place that we could be enjoying while we are here, even if for a relatively short amount of time.

Yes. I want to go back “home” to the west side of the United States. But do I need to be such a butthead while we are here? No.

It’s been 10 1/2 months that we have been on the east coast and it has been a rare moment that I have actually enjoyed myself. Granted, I’m not nearly as negative today as I was for the first few months we were here. I was beginning to drive my husband crazy too.

My focus has been on me and what I want and how quickly I want it.
That is not very Christ-like. Not at all.

Looking back to the months before our move out here, I remember having such an overwhelming feeling of peace. I seemed to know that no matter what happened, it was going to be ok. That has been my phrase to others. “It’s going to be ok.” I wanted people to trust Him. I was filled with the knowledge that I can trust God in any situation. Then somehow that feeling was quickly and drastically taken. I was in panic mode up until the day we drove away from our house in the west. I was a trembling mess when we pulled into what would be our new home on the east coast that night on December 1, 2016. I will never forget. I cried every day for a while. Then I seemed to transform into a bitter and selfish person that only wanted what I wanted.

Without realizing it, I was questioning God. Why did we have to come here? Why didn’t we just wait? Why didn’t I find a full-time job where we were? Why? Why? Why?

I’m sure I could elaborate, but I won’t. Not today. What I will say is this-
Over the last couple of months, I have noticed small changes in my attitude. While I’m not at the point of full surrender again, but I hope to be, I have eased up. I thank God, first and foremost. I also thank some friends who I know are praying for me. I thank my husband for being patient with me. And I pray to God that my negativity hasn’t and won’t affect his outlook on our situation.

Today I have been employed full time for almost seven months. Praise God for that! And get this- -> The company I work for has offices all around the country…even the two states we are looking to move back to. My options are open.


My oldest daughter started college and is doing very well. My youngest daughter is a sophomore and doing much better than the past couple of school years. My husband is doing well with his health issues.

The prayer of my heart today is that I will indeed “be still” as the song in the video suggests. The lyrics to this song could not describe this situation any better. I was afraid because I could not (and still can’t) see where this road is going. And I do need to let go and let Him work for our family. He is making a way for us. He is most certainly answering prayers before we pray them.

Psalms 46:10 – He says, “Be still and know that I am God.”
Amen.

k

September 25, 2016

It’s dark here…

When we moved here I had high hopes for our family. I thought for sure we would have been in our own house by now. But no. 14 months here and nothing.

To say I’ve been feeling sad would be an understatement. I know God is with me. He always is. But lately it’s as if the enemy is right there too…doing his best to make me feel like crap. 

Many thoughts go through my head every day. I try to think of ways we can stay here and not have to move to the east coast. But the rest of the family seems to think it is such a great idea.

There’s that selfishness in my heart showing up.

As a Christian, what am I supposed to be doing? I should be praising Him…thanking Him for the things that we DO have not bitching and moaning about what I don’t have. 

My friends have been so encouraging and I am so grateful! I just need to get right with our awesome God once again. I need to find that desire to serve Him and lose myself to Him again. Being here has really pushed me back into some serious darkness. I feel like that hiding little girl again. My artist friend will likely know what I am talking about. 

My prayer…

Heavenly Father, I thank you for being with me always. Thank you for making me Yours. I am sorry that I have drifted from you. Please help me to get back to where I know you would have me. 

Thank you for friends who are so encouraging and loving. I know You speak through them to me on so many occasions. 

I pray that the Holy Spirit will work in me to control my tongue and help my thoughts be pure and without such negativity. Help me Lord to desire to do Your work no matter where I am. You did tell us to go out into all the world. So may I follow Your lead no matter where my feet may land. Thank you Lord for being the continuous light in this land of darkness. Amen.

k

February 20, 2016

God and GPS…



Recently I had to run a couple of errands after work. Not a big deal, right? It can be when you are new to a big city and don’t know your way around very well.

I rely on GPS when I have to travel to a part of town that I haven’t become familiar with. Thank you, Google Maps.

Well…on this particular day I felt as though the GPS was leading me in a very peculiar way…as if there MUST be an easier way to get to this store! I was getting frustrated. Once I arrived at my destination I realized something. This was NOT the location I had visited previously. Oh brother. Well, at least I can do what I need to at this location.

One assignment down. One to go. Turn the GPS back on. Off I go.

O.M.G. The traffic!! Really? I was longing for my small town “traffic.” It was so much easier to just pop over to the store or whatever!

Okay. Deep breath. Turn on the radio. Song comes on… **see video above**


“I’ve tried to win this war I confess
My hands are weary I need Your rest
Mighty Warrior, King of the fight
No matter what I face, You’re by my side”


Music has a way of calming my nerves. And believe me…the traffic was annoying me so much. I just wanted to get home to my family and relax for the evening.

As I’m listening to the song and singing along…yes singing. I was alone in the car and at that point didn’t care if other drivers noticed! But I digress…

Suddenly I had an epiphany! GOD! He’s just like this crazy GPS that is leading me all over this unfamiliar city…well…you know what I mean. 🙂

“I’ve tried to win this war I confess.” – – This is me. All. of. the. time. How am I going to handle this situation? Pure selfishness. Relying on myself and not God.

“My hands are weary I need Your rest.” – – Yep. I’m tired of trying all by myself. I need to lean on Him. I could insert another song here…but I won’t. For now.

“No matter what I face, You’re by my side.” – – Not only is God by my side…He is leading me. Like the GPS!

Most of the time our navigation systems get us to where we are going easily. Easy peasy. Right?

Sometimes they take us down a path we never would have chosen ourselves. It seems confusing but for whatever reason, it gets us to our destination.

God is that way.

A good part of the time God is leading me down a road that is relatively smooth. If I’m lucky…it’s a smooth sailing on a slightly breezy day in SoCal.

Then there are the times when it’s more like the perfect storm and I don’t know which way to turn.

God doesn’t always do things the way we want Him to. But He does get things done.

In His time.

We need only to trust in Him.

He knows the way.

He’s been there before.

k

December 12, 2015

what is “normal” really?

So maybe it was just a moment of feeling sorry for myself. Maybe I just wanted to complain…even if just to myself. It was all in my head after all.

I want things to be “normal” again…or for once…or just want to feel like it.

I want a stereo in the living room because I love listening to music and I haven’t had one in the living room for so many years. I want my own living room…in a house I will share with my husband and two youngest kids. I want the privacy that comes with that house. I want to work a normal job so that I can make dinner each night. (Well…almost every night) I don’t want to be in physical pain when I come home from work. I want my husband to be free from the physical pain that he has been dealing with for so long…emotional pain too. I want a job where the management wannabes aren’t treating the employees like sled dogs at the Iditarod. It’s ridiculous. I want this. I want that. I want…I want…I want.

Really? Get over yourself girl!

Nowhere does it say that the world revolves around me and what “I want.” In fact…Life is not about any of us. No matter how much it hurts to admit that…it’s true.

It’s about what God wants.

What I think is “normal”…such as having a perfectly healthy family…a $45k/yr. job, and a nicely furnished house is all in my head. The reality is this – Normal is all relative. Right now my normal is nothing like I “want.” My normal is what God has given me to deal with.

And to be absolutely honest…I’m struggling. A lot.

I need to get back to church. I need to connect with other believers. I need to get involved so that I can be reminded of what it means to be a servant of the Most High God. I miss it. God gave me gifts and talents. I need to put them to use to glorify Him.

Normal…I guess it’s normal for us believers to struggle sometimes. I get that. Now it’s time for me to get back to normal…Normal being a regular church goer and servant of God.

If that’s what “normal” is.

k

 

November 3, 2015

waiting…

I won’t cry.
The answers are not clear.

Fear is there.
Some things are unavoidable.

My wildest dreams could never have included this again.
Again, what is “this?”

It’s a crazy time.
I feel so far away.

But that is my fault.
Not His.

As I do every day,
I need Him now.

I need Him to hold me up.
The strength only He can provide is my hope.

So I sit here.
Waiting…

k

July 25, 2015

shut up!

I could not fall asleep last night. My brain just would not turn off. All I wanted to do was yell, “Shut Up!!” But what good would that have done? None. And I would have freaked out all of my family members.

There is just so much on my mind lately. That happens a lot I guess.

Our family is packing it up and moving to a different state. There is a group of people that I love going through some really hard stuff and it makes me sad. To have to say good-bye to them during this turmoil is a bit heart breaking.

And my mind won’t shut up about it.

Then I see a post on facebook…something about writing. Paraphrasing here…it said, “write about your fears, things you love, things you hate. Write without holding back.” That kind of thing, you know?

So here I am.

This move is huge for us. My youngest will have to change schools and make new friends. I have no doubt she will, but it’s just a big adjustment. My oldest daughter will have to find a new job. I have to find a new job. And my dear husband will have to find something to do to stay occupied. Being on disability is not a fun thing.

Will the church I found turn out to be a good one or not?

Will we make enough money quickly enough to move into our own house. And yeah…I’m totally looking forward to moving AGAIN within a year or so.

etc. etc. etc…

And what about my friends…the group of people in turmoil? What’s going to happen to them?

You know…I think that is what’s bothering me the most. So much has happened. So many hurt feelings. So many opinions. And I understand. That’s my problem. I see the situation through the eyes of various individuals. Yet, I try to figure out what the purpose is…what God’s will is.

That is not for me to know. I know God’s will is always good. And I’m not happy that things have gone the way they have by any means. But I know that God wasn’t surprised. He knew.

I take it back. That’s not what’s bothering me the most.

My friend is angry. And she has a right to be. My fear? If I open up completely about my opinion, she’s going to be mad…disappointed…maybe even not want to talk to me. Are my fears substantiated? Probably not. But I don’t know. And that’s what I’m afraid of.

Psalm 73 (click link) is a Bible passage that was shared with me. I read it. And re-read it. Several times.

I know that some people did things the wrong way. I absolutely understand that and it makes me sick.

Verse 21 says, “Then I realized that my heart was bitter, and I was all torn up inside.”

Am I/was I harboring bitterness in my heart over this situation? I believe so. Are others? Quite possibly.

Over two days, as I mentioned, I kept reading Psalm 73. I felt as though the Lord was putting something on my heart.

The last several verses reminded me that when angry, I/we have a human tendency to act foolishly. As if God’s very words to me were,

“Don’t be foolish in this situation. Who is in control here? I understand your frustration. But this is something that had to happen. Let me guide you and those affected to your glorious destiny.”

I can forgive because God gives me the gift of forgiveness. Does it excuse the behaviors? Not a chance. A quote from a friend…”Trust and Integrity – once lost is hard to regain.”

It was 1:30am when I finally got up out of bed. I went to the kitchen to get some milk…I’ve heard it helps you fall asleep…and my ibuprofen…maybe if my joints didn’t ache so much I could fall asleep. Right? Then I grabbed my phone and earphones. Music is always helpful in relaxing…at least for me.

Pandora was my music app of choice last night. Or should I say this morning? LOL Anyway…I turned my light off once again, laid back with my headphones in place, and hit play. (Figuratively speaking)

What was the first song to play? It was “From the Inside Out” by Hillsong. That’s the song/video I have at the beginning of this post. Great song. It nearly caused me to burst into tears.

The song says it all. At least for me in this situation.


A thousand times I’ve failed
Still your mercy remains
Should I stumble again
Still I’m caught in your grace
Everlasting, your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, your glory goes beyond all fame

Your will above all else
My purpose remains
The art of losing myself in bringing you praise
Everlasting, your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, your glory goes beyond all fame

My heart and my soul
I give you control
Consume me from the inside out Lord
Let justice and praise
Become my embrace
To love you from the inside out

Everlasting, your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, your glory goes beyond all fame
And the cry of my heart is to bring you praise
From the inside out
Lord my soul cries out


I will continue to fail in my reactions. That’s a given. I’m human.

But God’s grace is everlasting.

His light will shine even in the darkest of times.

His will before ours.

My purpose is to give Him praise…give Him control. Right?

Lord, my soul cries out to You.

Consume me from the inside out.

k

April 22, 2015

music and worship…

So… lately the subject of music has been on my mind. Mostly praise and worship music. There also seems to be a lot of talk about it. Facebook, radio, blogs, etc.

I was reading a post on Facebook from Hillsong United. They are a group from Australia. They have become quite popular. With that popularity has come controversy. I don’t know all of the ‘ins and outs’ but apparently some think they are “selling God” with their music and ministry.

The comments were not offensive, per se, they were more accusatory…claims of idolatry and such.

My feelings on the subject of music have been pulled in many directions over the course of my Christian life.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Ok…I need to stop here. I’m attempting to write a nice “thought out” blog about this subject. However, what I really want to say is this…

I love music in general. Praise and worship music is my favorite because I can praise, pray to, and worship my Lord and Savior while listening and singing along. Is that so bad?

Do I “feel” anything while singing? Yeah. I guess I do. Sue me. I don’t know if it’s the Holy Spirit. I don’t know for sure if when I’m singing a prayer like song that the Lord hears me. Is the Spirit interceding for me? Again…I don’t know.

My problem is this…several times I’ve heard/read that worship music before a sermon isn’t biblical. Worship music is a form of paganism. And just today in that post from Hillsong, a person declared that they were “selling God.”

Should secular music be cut out of my life? I don’t know. There were times that I thought it should be. As a new believer I sold dozens of my cds in my collection because they were not Christian. Now I wonder if that was the “right” thing to do. Now folks are questioning other folks for owning cds by Christian artists.

Is music and singing biblical? Yes. The Bible speaks of people singing and dancing before the Lord. The Bible speaks of singing and worshiping God in heaven for all of eternity.

So where are we/am I going wrong? I’m confused.

Honestly, so many of the songs I love tell a story…they’re prayers. It’s as if someone else wrote exactly what I am feeling or have felt. I can relate to the lyrics. If the song is more prayer like, it’s as if I am praying to God just as the author of the song is.

And so many others who are listening.

Help me out. Anyone reading this. Help me to know exactly what is or is not biblical about enjoying praise and worship music.

k

April 11, 2015

Contrarian Christians

I’ve never re-blogged before…but this one is a good one! Take a few moments to read.

Restoring Kingdom Builders

“You’ll never be popular.”

That’s what a retired policeman told me after I had preached a sermon early in my pastoral career.

He told me that my sermon was great, but that if I preached that way in the future, many churchgoers weren’t going to like it.

He was probably right.

Some Christians … and I count myself as one … do not always agree with certain popular teachings or practices in the Christian church.

In fact, just because they’re popular doesn’t mean they’re right … or even wise.

When you think outside the mainstream, you might just be a contrarian … even if you’re a follower of Jesus.

Let me give you several illustrations of what I’m talking about:

*The words to a well-known chorus state, “An empty grave is there to prove my Savior lives.”

Is that true?

I hear that phrase “the empty grave” used as evidence of…

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